


monachopsis

by cazei



Series: mcu by cazei [5]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man - All Media Types, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)
Genre: Depressed Peter Parker, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, F/F, F/M, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Pepper Potts is Trans, Peter is a Sad Boy, Trans Female Character, Trans MJ, Trans Male Character, Trans Pepper Potts, Trans Peter Parker, i get vague but peter is really sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-14
Updated: 2018-01-14
Packaged: 2019-03-04 20:42:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13372704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cazei/pseuds/cazei
Summary: (n) the subtle but persistent feeling of being out of place- ”Peter knows he needs to do this.He needs to tell Tony he’s transgender.For his health, both mental and physical.Peter can’t live like this, not knowing if his mentor may or may not resent him for who he is.That doesn’t mean he isn’t goddamn terrified of the repercussions.“ -WARNING: Check tags and stay safe.





	monachopsis

**Author's Note:**

> YES i've posted this before but i accidentally screwed up the formatting so here it is again. ill fix the other eventually but -

Peter drums his hand on his knee. The desk. Even the side of his shoe, when he can reach without looking awkward.  
  
This morning he took another Testosterone shot, and May told him he should ask Mr. Stark about spidery-side-effects.  
  
It’s, surprisingly, the most chill she’s been about his powers since she discovered them a few months ago. Since then, he grew closer to Tony and the other Avengers still stateside, but...  
  
But he still hasn’t come out to Tony.  
  
May thinks he has.

 

Mainly because that’s what he told her. And she has no reason to believe otherwise, as he hasn’t corrected her.  
  
Theoretically, coming out shouldn’t be an issue. He’s on T, he goes by his pronouns. Nothing needs to be changed. He’s FTM, already passing as M!

  
Tony should have no reason to suspect him as anything other than a sixteen-year-old dude.  
  
Only a few people really know — or need to know — that he’s Transgender. Ned, because he’s Peter’s best friend. MJ, because she’s Mj and also a Transgirl, MTF, and knows what he’s going through. May, because he transitioned at a very young age, and legal guardians tend to know these things. His pediatrician, the principle.  
  
Unfortunately Flash, due to an interesting incident that funnily enough resembles his given name.  
  
But Tony Stark is a billionaire, playboy, and a philanthropist. He’s Iron Man. He’s a genius.  
  
He barely wanted Peter around before Homecoming, and after he tells him this he knows he’ll miss even the small connection they had _then_.  
  
Peter eyes the clock again. _12:36._ Still two hours left in school.  
  
He pulls out his phone — he already knows this Chemical theory, he studied it last week after Decathlon.  
  
-  
_Ned: u look troubled my young padawan_  
_Ned: speak 2 me_  
  
_Peter: wtf_  
_Peter: im fine_  
  
_Ned: michelle jones 420 blaze over there is texting me about it_  
_Ned: shes already filled two pages up w/ ur angst in graphite_  
_Ned: spill_  
  
_Peter: o h_  
_Peter: well_  
  
_Peter had added MJ to the chat_  
  
_Peter: i think i need to tell mr stark i’m trans bc may thinks my t shots are gonna go haywire with all the genetic mutations and and she thinks he already knows but i’m scared he’s gonna hate me_  
  
_Ned: holy shti_  
  
_MJ: You really keep stuff bottled in, Parker._  
  
_Peter: its a gift_  
  
_MJ: Look. Peter. I don’t agree with a lot of stuff Stark has done, really. A lot of my protesting has to do with his old industry, and even some in his new one._  
  
_Ned: what how is that helpful_  
  
_MJ: I wasn’t finished_  
_MJ: He’s donated to LGBT+ organizations global wide. Pepper has been in Pride parades, Women’s Right’s marches. I sincerely doubt he’s as transphobic as you think._  
  
_Peter: no i don’t think he’s transphobic i just_  
_Peter: how is he gonna want me around_  
_Peter: before toomes he hated me he always ignored me_  
_Peter: things have just started going good i go over a lot on the weekends_  
_Peter: what if i ruin that by being a freak or something_  
  
_MJ: Peter, I’ve got a dick. Call me a freak._  
  
_Peter: but ur not!!!!!_  
  
_MJ: Exactly. What makes you any different? You’re not a freak, Peter, you’re transgender. That’s nothing to be ashamed of. If you’ve truly gotten as close to Tony as you say, nothing this mundane should push him away._  
  
_Ned: plus ur a rad dude man_  
_Ned: if he hurts u ill beat him up_  
_Ned: electronically_ _  
Ned:_

_Ned: ill give him a bad review on yelp_  
  


_Peter:_  
_Peter: thanks guys_  
  
-  
  
The rest of the day crawls by slowly. He’s gone from tapping to digging his nails into his skin. It’s a bad habit from his old self-harm days.  
  
There were times when he didn’t have friends like Ned and MJ in his life. When May was grieving, and Ben was gone, and he was alone.  
  
He’s a few months clean, and proud of it. May still doesn’t know.  
  
-  
  
Peter knows he needs to do this.  
  
He needs to tell Tony.  
  
For his health, both mental and physical.  
  
Peter can’t live like this, not knowing if his mentor may or may not regent him for who he is.

 

That doesn’t mean he isn’t goddamn terrified of the repercussions.  
  
—  
  
_Peter: im ready_  
  
_MJ: You’ve got this!_  
  
_Ned: go spider_  
_Ned: spider_  
_Ned: spidery_  
_Ned: s p i d e y_  
  
_Peter: thanks mj_  
  
_Ned:  D:_  
  
_Peter: n u 2 ned_  
  
_Ned: :D_  
  
—  
  
Peter texts Happy next.  
  
Ever since Homecoming, even his relationship with Happy has grown. He’s no longer ignored.  
  
Not yet.  
  
—  
  
_Peter: hey happy_  
  
_Happy: Peter_  
_Happy: Is everything okay_  
  
_Peter: yeah it’s just_  
_Peter: can i come to the compound after school i needta talk to mr stark_  
  
_Happy: Of course kid_  
_Happy: I’ll just clear it with Tony and Pep but I’m sure it’ll be okay_  
_Happy: I’ll pick you up after school_  
  
_Peter: ok thanks_  
  
-  
  
Peter sighs, and collects his books for last period. It’s finally real; he’s actually doing this.  
  
The hallways seem suffocating, and he gets elbowed more than enough times. A few people even shoot him concerned looks, but he ignores them.  
  
The Algebra room is cold, and it seems to sting his bones. He’s so incredibly anxious that it’s uncomfortable; he can feel it in his skin, in his teeth, in his hair. Every part of him is off.  
  
Algebra is a mess. His fear and tension climb throughout the hour, and he can barely listen to Ms. Evani talk about polynomials without wanting to literally stab himself in the eyeball with a number two pencil.  
  
Okay. Maybe not that far.  
  
Maybe.  
  
None of his friends are in this class, but he wouldn’t want to talk about it anyways.  
  


-

  
Ironically, nothing happens until he’s emptying his locker at the end of the day. His movements are mechanic and his eyes are droopy.  
  
Peter’s hands are still digging through the metal locker when someone slams their back against the door. Peter’s vaulted sideways, and his fingers narrowly miss being crushed in the door.  
  
Peter’s weight is shifted, and he tumbles to the ground.  
  
Flash laughs at him. Most of the hallway has cleared out — the buses left — but some people still waver.  
  
“Really?” Peter grits out through his teeth. “Watch out, Flash.”

 

Flash snorts. “What? Don’t be so emotional, _Penis_.”  
  


Peter grabs the last folder from his locker and slams the door shut. He stuffs it under his arm and is about to walk away when Flash grabs his shoulder and shoves him back against the locker.

 

Peter can’t resist the whine of discomfort that his anxiety — not him! — let’s escape his throat.

 

Flash doesn’t seem to notice. “Is it that time of the month?”

 

Peter shakes his shoulder away from Flash’s grip, but the other boy is persistent.

 

“Listen to me when I’m talking to you,” Flash says. “C’mon, don’t be a bitch, Ka-“

 

What’s next is not Peter’s name, it’s a word that needs to be erased from everyone’s memory, and it is no longer associated with Peter.

 

Peter loses it. He pulls back his arm and elbows Flash in the stomach. It’s surprisingly controlled, but not to Flash, who gasps and capsizes on himself.

 

Peter looks at him. “That's not my name; _never_ use it as such.”

 

Flash is too winded to respond; Peter grabs his stuff and hurries away, just fast enough to hide the liquid that is not water dripping from his eyes.

 

-

 

Happy is standing outside the car, pressed against the passenger side door when Peter scrambled out of the door and down the stairs.

 

Happy gives him a small wave, paired with a rare smile, but Peter doesn’t look up.

 

“Hey, Happy,” Peter mutters and crawls into the back seat.

 

Peter doesn’t hear Happy’s response, as he’s already zoned out again.

 

-

 

On the way there, Happy tried to be subtle.

 

_Happy: Something’s wrong with the kid_

 

_Tony: you’d better not be texting and driving w/ him_

 

_Happy: We’re at a light_

 

_Tony: okay. what’s wrong? is he okay? his vitals aren’t registering._

 

_Happy: He’s not wearing the suit, Tony_

 

_Tony: that would make sense_

_Tony: then what’s wrong is he ok_

 

_Happy: No clue. Just thought I should let you know; warning_

 

_Tony: thanks hap_

 

_Happy: Act natural_

_Happy: Don’t be yourself_

 

_Tony: <3 _

 

_-_

 

Peter rests his head against the rattling window and shakes when another loud notification comes through Happy’s phone.

 

He just wants everything to stop. He doesn’t want to have that conversation with Tony, he doesn’t want the rejection, he just wants everything _done_.

 

A long, terrifying hour later, the small black car pulls up to the rear entrance to the compound. The only reason they made it this quick was because of all the Stark Tech _and flying cars,_ but even this can’t lighten Peter’s rubbish mood.

  
He almost thinks Happy went faster and used all the technology that he usually avoids _just_ because he was worried. About Peter.

 

Keyphrase: he _almost_ thinks.

 

Happy parks in one of the secure lots, before escorting Peter through the compound he’s strangely familiar with. They walk down long corridors and metallic halls before reaching the familiar lab of his mentor.

 

All he needs to do is press a finger to the scanner, and F.R.I.D.A.Y lets him in with ease. Tony programmed it so he would have extremely high level access to nearly everywhere.

 

Peter tries not to think about it too much. Thinking too much makes his chest hurt, and not in the way it does when he wears out a binder and uses fabric and tape for a few days. Which he totally does not do. No. Never.

 

Happy disappears back into the maze that is the compound, and Peter is left with what may be the most difficult moment of his life.

 

Yep. Lost three parental figures in his life, got bit by a spider and gained mutations, had an old friend move across the country after her father tried to crush him under a building that gave him claustrophobia and nightmares, and a conversation with a man who once named a robot “DUM E” is his most difficult moment.

  
Aren’t you glad Peter is handling this rationally?

 

Anthony Edward Stark looks up oh-so-casually as Peter stands in the doorway of the metal sliding doors.

 

“Hey, kid!” Tony says. “I was just working on a new arrow design for Clint; do you want to help?”

 

Peter lets his backpack slide to the floor and he nods. His knees shake, and for a moment he wonders if he forgot to eat again. It was a habit of his, and with the whole _increased metabolism_ it became intentional.

 

Again, another thing he’ll _never_ tell May.

 

They work in symbiotic quiet for a few minutes, and Peter waits for Tony to break the ice.

 

He does, eventually, in that charismatic unconventional way of his.

 

“So,” Tony says. “I hope you know I’m not going to push you to talk until you’re ready.”

 

Peter sets down his pen, letting the plastic rest on the blueprints they’d been scaling.

 

He doesn’t say anything. He knows, _he knows_ , that if he opens his mouth, words are going to spill out, and they won’t stop, and he’ll say _too much and freak Tony out, and then Tony won’t let him call him Tony, and it’ll be Mr. Stark again and he’ll be scrolling through months of texts just waiting for a reply and is there cement on his chest again because it sure seems that way is there air in here can you breathe because Peter sure can’t--_

 

Tony’s hands grab Peter’s elbows. “Woah, Peter. Kid. Hey! Just, just breathe with me, will ya? Please?”

 

Peter is acutely aware of tears down his face, and a mentor who looks scared out of his damn mind by a crying sixteen-year-old.

 

“Inhale,” Tony says, and Peter does. “Exhale. Good; keep going. Inhale, exhale. Easy as pie. Or Pi, hah, either one.”

 

It takes a moment for Peter to be in the room again, but when he is back in his head, he is on the ground. Tony Stark, wearing a suit that probably cost more than everything Peter owns, is crouching on the grime and grease of the lab floor. Right next to Peter.

 

Peter squeezes his eyes shut and prepares for the berating. “I’m sorry.”

 

Tony laughs humorlessly, shortly. “It’s alright, Kid. Is… Is everything okay? You look like you have something on your mind. Did something happen at school?”

 

Peter looks away; suddenly the bottom of the lab table is _very,_ very interesting. Tony gets the hint.

 

He clears his throat. “Peter, ah, did something happen with friends?”

 

To look away from the man’s eyes, Peter picks at the back of his hand. Which just so happens to have a bruise on it from the locker incident with Flash. Tony follows his gaze.

 

“Did _somebody hurt you_ ,” Tony says, and it isn’t a question.

 

Peter manages to mutter out a single word, _patrol_.

 

“ _Bullshit_ , kid. Pardon me, but you haven’t wore the suit since last night, and you have a healing factor. For it to be this dark, it’s still fresh,” Tony says.

 

 _Well, he didn’t go to MIT at 15 for nothing_.

 

“That’s-” Peter clears his throat. “That’s not what I’m here to - to talk about.”

 

God, he can feel sobs in his throat. Nothing has even happened yet!

 

Tony frowns softly and says, “Well, it better be related, because you got hurt at school, and I can’t let that go, Peter. Do you expect me to?”

 

Peter shrugs.

 

“Kid!” Tony says. He moves into a sitting motivation, and Peter winces at the prospect of ruining those pants. Tony waves him off. “You are my priority -- always. If you have to know anything in that big ol’ head of yours, let it be that.”

 

A sniffle that was _not_ there before escapes from Peter’s nose. It’s now or never.

 

“I just - I just think… _know_. I know that’ll be different. After.”

 

Tony tilts his head. “After what?”

 

Peter feels like a child, but he knows Tony isn’t judging him. Not yet.

 

His hands rise to his face, and he buries his eyes in his palm. He counts to ten. Once, twice. He could be lost in his thoughts for several years, but Tony still waits patiently.

 

Peter takes a deep breath. Raises his head from his palms, and looks into Tony’s eyes. His mouth quivers.

 

“I’m transgender.”

 

* * *

 

 

Tony looks relieved.

 

Peter is in the aftermath of a panic attack, his breathing is _all_ over the place, his heart is rocketing, his palms are sweating, his hair is a _mess_ … And Tony looks _relieved_.

 

Stark raises a hand to his heart. “Okay. Thank god. I thought… Well, I don’t know what I thought, but you nearly gave me a heart attack! Don’t mess with a man with heart problems, Parker!”

 

Peter blinks slowly.

 

“What?” He asks.

 

Tony shifts, leans forward; his posture is more open. “As a bisexual man engaged to a transwoman, I will accept you no matter _what_. Actually, don’t become a pedophile. Other than that.”

 

“You…” Peter starts. “You don’t _mind_?”

 

Tony smiles sadly. “Of course not, kid. I -- I am always here for you. No matter what your brain tries to convince you otherwise.”

 

Peter can taste salt. “... You’re not lying to me?”

 

Tony smiles now. “Never. _Never_.”

 

After a tense moment, Peter nods.

 

“Thank you!” He gasps through tears. “I was _so_ scared, and I know I shouldn’t have, but I don’t know!”

 

Tony rubs his shoulder in a calming circle. Peter breathes to the same rhythm.

 

“Name and pronouns?” Tony asks. His mouth is a small curve, but it’s upward.

 

Peter grins now.

 

“Peter. My name is Peter.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> tumblr: @calciumsulfide
> 
> comment if u want more of sad peter


End file.
